Does this bug anyone else? Have you ever had that feeling like someone thinks they 'get' you? Maybe they do, and maybe they don't; but the point is that, if you're like me, you don't WANT them to!
You don't have to read far into my blog to learn that I have a love/hate relationship with personality tests. I have a real aversion to the idea that a) a 10 minute quiz will reveal deep inner secrets I otherwise would never have known about myself, and b) I, along with all other humans, can be lumped into one of four easy categories. Kierkegaard said, "Once you label me, you negate me." (don't be impressed - I learned it from watching Wayne's World - about 1:50 in)
I am complex and mysterious, dammit! You can't pigeonhole me!
On the flip side of that coin, there is the argument that's most succinctly put by those clever ancient Greeks: "KNOW THYSELF". The value of these quizzes and evaluations is that, in the best case scenario, they can shine a light on some of the motivations or reasons for our often confusing reactions to stimuli. Your brother gets a new promotion and you get jealous instead of happy. You stand up for yourself and feel guilty instead of empowered. Good heavens, humans and their silly reactions and motivations. If the tests help, let's mandate them for all of us! A little self actualization would do us good!
So, in summary, I guess: I want to know myself, but I don't want you to know me. Or at least, I want to be the FIRST one to figure myself out.
Anyway, I'll get off my hobby horse. Here's the point: there is a danger here that we can forgive (ignore) people for anything if it's just their pesky personality getting in the way.
Remember when I was talking about getting yelled at (I'm this self referential only because I don't read enough)? Well, imagine that you exited getting chewed out thinking, "Well, I know that person has a commanding, task oriented personality and only considers the cost to relationships after the damage has been done", then proceeded to write off the whole experience because "that's just the way they are, and they're just having an emotional reaction to the whole thing." That'd be great! Because that would mean you don't have to change any behaviour! The deficiency all lies in that other person's personality.
This is something that happens to emotional people all the time. Imagine being this person: You don't like confrontation - it's your worst nightmare. Harmony is what you always work toward. However, some issue has gone on long enough, and it's time to confront the aggressor. You are so nervous and out of your comfort zone that you start to cry. Then, the person you are confronting starts to COMFORT you and tell you not to worry about it. THEY ARE PLACATING YOU! Just because you were crying did not mean that you had legitimate concerns that had to be dealt with! Personalities be damned!
If you're in customer service, I bet you do this too:
When I have a difficult phone call with a customer at work, it is much easier for my ego if I jump to the conclusion that the difficult person is also a crazy person. If they are irrational, then I don't have to deal with the fact that I may have actually failed to deliver what I promised to.
But what if it's my wife, who may be overtired, but is ALSO really upset that I sat on my butt all night while she cleaned dishes, changed laundry, and fed, bathed, and tucked in the boy? It's easy for me to write off the anger because she's overtired. AND, conveniently, if I let myself off the hook for those jobs, she will probably ALWAYS be overtired by the time she has a moment to confront me about it!
There is no english language. I say this because we all use the same words, but few of us ever understand each other. KNOW THYSELF, so that you know what language you speak. And learn about the personality types of those who are close to you, so you can learn what language they speak, too. That way, you can take the words they say, and translate them into your own language. Everyone speaks in code. You risk misinterpreting people if you fail to comprehend that. Not every message comes across exactly as it's intended.
Don't make the mistake of writing people off just because "that's just them, being them." Believe it or not, everyone has a reality just like yours, and they believe as much as you do that what they say is important, even if that's hard for you to incorporate into your perception.
Ever had to come to terms with the fact that, no matter how hard you try, you will just never have some certain quality that you wish you possessed?
My life seems to have themes. Either that or I don't have a lot of original thoughts and my blog posts get more redundant with each new one I heap on. It's probably a combination of both those things, but that's okay, because one day I'll write a book that assimilates all these posts, and all the repeated thoughts will give it cohesion. Or maybe they will make the book circular and excruciating. Stop judging my book. I haven't even written it yet.
One of the themes is this: your greatest strength is also your greatest weakness (remember that blog post?). The same DNA that makes me great at building relationships makes me lousy at being assertive, for fear of hurting someone's feelings. The inclination to explore ideas also expresses itself as a dis-inclination to turn those ideas into actions. I bet this is the same for you. Are you task oriented? I bet you can't figure out how to avoid upsetting those people who get in the way of completing those tasks. Are you extremely analytical? I bet you hate how unimaginative you are.
I've had a couple interesting interactions lately that have hit me in the feelers. Both of them, in very different ways, suggested to me that 'execution' is something I am not good at.
I have a list of 99 amazing ways to get from the little bowl to the big one. Ask me about them. I'd love to tell you. But, my two co-conversants reminded me, with varying levels of gentleness, guess which bowl I am still in?
These conversations have left me feeling like a round peg in a square hole. It is precisely the lack of skill in execution that makes me believe it is the golden key to all the success in life. I bet all my executioner friends feel the same way about getting along with people (at least, I hope). In keeping with the fish theme, I feel like this:
Ever heard the saying, "Those who can't do, teach"? It always made me laugh, because teachers are easy to hate (okay, that word's too strong. Let's go with resent.), with their cushy union jobs and their 2 months of paid vacation. But today I saw another side of this joke.
I bet the inverse is true too: Those who can't teach, do. By that I mean, a lot of the most results oriented people out there are so busy getting tasks done that they are lousy teachers, and they tend to piss people off, because getting the stuff done is more important to them than the people involved. So, who's left to teach people how to do things? The non-executors.
I wonder how many books on Takin Care Of Business have been written by people who are great theorists, but don't actually accomplish much. I mean, what results-oriented person has time to stop gettin shit done long enough to write about it? Wouldn't that feel like a colossal waste of time for them?
Anyway, those are my ponderings. Fish, get off your bicycles. Ignore the Lance Armstrongs and their judgy-judginess. They aren't fish, and I bet you'd KILL them in a breath holding competition. Go swim.
If there are any readers left after my recent hiatus, hello.
I've already posted on "Failure to Communicate". But guess what? I'm like that kid in The Sixth Sense, who sees dead people. Only instead of dead people, I see failures to communicate. Which is only a little less unsettling.
Have you ever had someone tear you a new one? I mean - really lay into you? I bet you have. It's part of shuffling around on this planet. What do you usually do when that happens? Allow me to describe some stock responses:
1. The newbie response: This doesn't happen to you very often. Perhaps you were new at a job, or crossed a person you didn't know was difficult, and you got blindsided by the arse-chewing of a lifetime. And it levels you. You choke back tears all day. At your earliest opportunity, you go home, change into your pyjamas, bust into the emergency chocolate supply, and watch comfort movies till next Thursday. You decide to change careers, relationships, hairstyles, area codes, etc.
- The problems with this response are pretty obvious: most people who will yell at you aren't worth spending much time on. They don't know you, and their reaction says more about their inability to deal with change than it does with your level of competence.
(Don't click on this video if you don't like offensive language. It's Dane Cook. That's what he does.)
2. The "I'm Perfect" response: You don't know how often this happens to you. Because you hardly notice it happening. Your typical response is, "What was wrong with that guy? Obviously he doesn't realize how flawlessly I execute my life." It's forgotten before the bubbles of his yell-spit on your shirt pop. This response is also called the 'avoidant' response.
- The problem here: I'm gonna tell you something you might be avoiding paying a therapist a lot of money for: Sometimes, it IS your fault. Yes, it's true. And guess what else? Everyone knows it but you.
3. The Canadian response: It goes like this: "Sorry! I'm sorry! I'm SO sorry! I'm sorry I wronged you! I'm sorry I have this problem! Sorry for my personality! Sorry for YOUR personality! Sorry I have interactions with you that are sometimes inconvenient! Sorry for taxes! Sorry my career prep teacher in high school said I'd be good at this type of job!"
- The problem here: I bet you are uncomfortable with conflict, because you are saying WHATEVER IT WILL TAKE to get your butt out of this uneasy situation. But guess what? Saying sorry can mean that you are taking responsibility for things that are not yours to own up to. Particularly, the fact that the person shouting at you is currently being an asshole. And probably some other things as well.
4. The 'nuclear bomb' response: This one goes like this: "You have a problem with something I did? Well, I have a problem with YOU!" "OH YEAH? WELL YOU'RE A FAT PRICK AND I'M STILL MAD AT YOU FOR THAT THING YOU DID TWO YEARS AGO!"
- Take it easy, Allcaps. I'm going to paint you a word-picture, cause I'm a nice guy. You and this person (assuming they are someone you must maintain a relationship with, like a co-worker or relative) are in a boat. Your response is equivalent to taking an axe, and beginning to take large hacks out of the bottom of the boat. So, if you succeed in sinking the boat, did you win, or lose?
So, here are Dan Ouwehand's 3 Rules for handling conflict like a self actualized person. And believe me, I'm very qualified to give these to you. Not only am I extremely self-actualized, I ALSO get yelled at a lot.
1. Consider the source
Many screaming matches can start and end right here. If this person doesn't know you, I'm going to give you permission right now to do something: let it go. They are crazy. Their screaming has nothing to do with you (but I bet they have some really messed up childhood stories, if you're patient enough to wean them out). However (and here's where people often miss the boat), if this person has known you for a while, there is also a possibility that there is some substance to their beef, even if the delivery mechanism happens to be blunt, like a baseball bat to the noggin. Don't forget that this person has been watching you for a while. They can see a side of you that you can't always see. It's the subconscious version of the back of my head, which I shave by myself, and often poorly, I'd imagine.
2. Apply the filter
Anecdote time (it's like story time, but much more professional). I work in a department that manages about 15 crews of flooring installers. Of those crews, I have a few that are very 'generous' (read obnoxious) with their feedback. "It's too hot" "They didn't move the furniture" "They left a barking dog in the basement" "The painter stopped by from 11:00-11:15" "That job didn't pay enough (strangely, I never hear about the other ones)." I also have a few crews who are very positive, and reserve their opinions for those times when it's warranted. I bet you can guess which ones make me close my youtube browser when they speak up (if my boss reads this, I'm just kidding - it's a figure of speech all us crazy gen-Y'ers are using).
I have a few people at work who I truly respect. They work hard, they have integrity, and they produce huge results within the company. However, they also live with their frustrations until they've had it up to their ears. Therefore, by the time you're hearing about the problem, there's a lot of emotion to work through before you get to the heart of the issue. I guess you could call it "rich" emotion (that means angry). When I get feedback from these guys (they're guys, in my case), I apply the filter, receive the message, and (try to) refuse to take offense at the medium. I know that their frustration does not affect their relationship with me any differently than if a more diplomatic person was upset with me.
3. Find the growth opportunity
If you're married, perhaps from time to time your spouse will 'emote' to you about things that are frustrating them. Then they'll apologize and say that there were extenuating circumstances that made them say what they said (lack of sleep, bad day at work, whatever). I bet you have a filter for cranky family members, right? But don't forget that when their patience is diminished you've also got an opportunity to find out what things bug them a little bit - just enough that they only come out when they're cranky. After all, feedback is the breakfast of champions.
So, now we've established a few things: 1) The person who is upset is qualified to speak into our lives, for one reason or another. 2) We have taken their words, and multiplied them by the "speaker factor", those things we know about the speaker that may cause them to overstate the point or be unintentionally offensive. Now we have a distilled message that might really be worth something. What they're saying comes after a sustained period of observation, and they know you well enough to have a higher expectation of you. Now you can take what's left of the message, and translate it into your own self-talk.
Guess what? You just took a hurtful situation, and used it to make yourself a better person! You are now officially more self-actualized than 85% of the population (I made that figure up, but look around - it FEELS true).
Now, there's an important note to make here. I'm not condoning the behaviour of screamers. I don't feel that's an appropriate way to convey your disapproval. However, we live in a world where people's interpersonal skills are at various levels of development. It's just going to happen sometimes. So we may as well try and make some good come out of it, right? Take the criticism, and make it constructive.
And also a challenge: don't let your own dissatisfaction escalate to a fever pitch before you share it. Many (though admittedly not all) people out there are anxious to hear how they're doing, and would love to try to get better.
And here's a great place to start. What type are you? Have you had a great confrontation story? I'd love to hear it. Post it below for the lovely people. I love your feedback (though preferably with minimal animosity).
Thought you might want to read my story about the Ride to Conquer Cancer! Here's the thank you letter I'll be sending off to my sponsors.
Dear Supporters and Friends,
Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for your support in my recent fundraising effort, the Enbridge Ride to Conquer Cancer!With your help, I was able to raise $6,769 toward cancer research, treatment, support and care.
Our efforts contributed to a province wide total of $8 million dollars raised for the Alberta Cancer Foundation. The Alberta Cancer Foundation is directly responsible for supporting the work of the Cross Cancer Institute, Edmonton, Tom Baker Cancer Centre, Calgary, Jack Ady Cancer Centre, Lethbridge, Central Alberta Cancer Centre, Red Deer, and Grande Prairie Cancer Centre along with 11 community cancer centres.
The ride occurred on a cloudy, rainy day.While the rain was uncomfortable, particularly when it came heavily, it was preferable to the hot sun, which creates many hazards relating to dehydration and sunstroke.Needless to say, your donations were well earned – it poured for 12 straight hours on the evening between day 1 and day 2.I slept in a puddle while my tent dripped on my face and all over my dry clothes.It was certainly ‘memorable.’
The event planners did an excellent job connecting the ride and the important cause it supports, from flags to identify cancer survivors to recorded video messages that play for participants on a large screen as they cross the finish line.Inspiration was certainly not in short supply.
As you likely know, I undertook this effort in memory of my mother, who passed away from cancer 7 years ago, and in honour of my uncle and his family, who are now fighting a similar battle.Many of you have supported me because you have been through this experience yourselves.I empathize with your difficult journey, and thank you for your generosity.I hope and trust that, as we pull together toward this goal, we will see the effects of this terrible disease reduced, and maybe one day, eliminated.I hold on to hope that my son will not have to endure the heartache that cancer has caused to me and my generation.
Once again, thank you for your support.You were on my thoughts as I rode, and I felt your encouragement uphold me, especially after the 60th drop of rain on my head in my sleeping bag, or as my calf (or hamstring, or hip) tightened up on the 175th kilometre.
As I sit leaning against the couch on the floor of the mancave, the day after finding 2 big ol' carpenter ants in my house; I ponder how it is that the mind works. Because in it, there is an endless parade of ants marching over the parts of my body outside of my peripheral vision, each one beginning its trek just after I cancel the search for the previous one. I'd go write this in the bathtub if that was safe.
Ah, the mind. It's an amazing thing, isn't it? Lately I've been thinking about life. Particularly life as a trajectory. Did you know that, if you were piloting a plane from LA to New York, and you changed your flight path by 1%, you would end up in Albany or Delaware? I bet you'd be pretty choked at the pilot if you had to rent a car and make the 3 hour drive from Albany to your intended destination.
Here's the funny thing. When it comes to our own lives, most of our flight paths are off by a lot more than 1%. Heck, lets be totally honest - a lot of us don't even really know where we're headed. When we run out of fuel and plummet from the sky, I guess we'll be there...
I have a tendency to sleepwalk through life. I make a zillion choices each day, but most of them click right by without me even noticing them. Hit the snooze alarm. Have a second cup of coffee. Pick my clothes. Buckle up when I sit down in my truck. Check my e-mail when I sit down at my desk. And so on. I can perform a whole day on autopilot. Which at first sounds impressive, but I think the real question is, can I perform a day WITHOUT autopilot?
John C. Maxwell, who makes his money flogging leadership principles, has been heard to say that if you want to change your life, you have to change something in your daily routine. Like the airplane pilot adjusting his course, so that he's always on the shortest path to his destination.
So, for the last week and a half, I've been keeping track of what I spend my time on - journalling it hour by hour. The purpose was actually to see how much time I waste on a given day and try to improve on it. However, another, possibly even more interesting result has come from the data. When you know what you do every day, you get a really good snapshot of where your priorities are. It doesn't really matter where you FEEL like your priorities are. What you DO tells the real story.
Suddenly Maxwell's comment made a lot more sense. If I consider something to be a priority, but I don't find it on my list because I haven't done it in a week, perhaps it's not really as much of a priority as I pretend it is. Which leads me to a decision point - do I change my priorities, or do I change my actions?
At the end of last summer, I completed a sprint triathlon in Banff. At the end, there was a big long straightaway that you had to run down - a full block of the main street of Banff. By the time I was done swimming, biking, and almost the whole run, you can BET I didn't take my eyes of that finish line! Do you think I took one step in a direction other than straight toward that arch? No way. I had a clear purpose, and I knew the steps it took to get there (about 50 more at that point).
So. Step 1 is, do you know your finish line? Or are you waiting for your plane to run out of fuel? Figure out your why, and everything else will have more purpose.
Step 2 is, take a look at your ACTIONS. Do they line up with your priorities? I spend more time on e-mails and little 'cholesterol' issues at work than I do on the topics in my job description. I spend more time watching TV than I do developing my faith. I spend about as much time on social media as I do on exercise.
So, if you can measure it, you can manage it, right? Step 3 is, take a long hard look at your 2 lists (actions and priorities). Time to take the 2 disparate lists and make them look a little more like each other.
Turns out, time management isn't really about you wasting your time by not doing anything. I bet you're all as busy as I am. What it's really about is that we have a tendency to spend our time on really stupid things that don't GET us anywhere.
And in the words of Bill Nye the Science Guy, "The thing about time is, once you measure it, it's gone." It's a limited resource, and you never get it back. So why would you live your life in any way OTHER than toward the things you value?
And if you get there - if your priority and your action list start to match, then you have that elusive and invaluable trait. The one I desire the most: Integrity.
At first I thought I'd blog every day. Then I thought every week would be fine. But you know, if you want the play by play of my thought life, follow me on twitter (@ow_a_hand). If you do, you'll see why I don't post here very frequently. As far as profound, timeless thoughts go, the talent pool is decidedly shallow.
A blog is supposed to be "value based". It's the definition of 'pull marketing'. I'm not selling anything. I'm putting stuff out there for you to take if you like. Like some sort of church potluck of ideas (hopefully my blog's not the jello with shredded carrots. Blech). But regardless, I only want to put stuff on here that I think people will find interesting.
I've been reading this sales blog who is encouraging his readers that writing is the best way to get value out and establish yourself as an expert to customers. I've also listened to countless leadership experts say that, if you truly want to lead people, you'd do better being interestED, rather than trying to be interestING. If you want people to like you, talk about them, not yourself. I read marketing blogs who say, if you want to be effective at marketing, you have to know everything about WHO you are trying to reach. Who is your target market?
So, who's my 'market'? If this was truly an exercise in retaining valuable info I'd learned, I would keep a journal, not a blog. So why am I writing this to you? WHO EVEN ARE YOU PEOPLE?
First question: what am I trying to accomplish? I don't think I'm trying to sell carpet to you. **pause for collective sigh of relief** Am I trying to find a job? To market my skills? No, I love my job and I'm not an entrepreneur. So who am I writing this for? Well, let me try to describe you. I hope you're flattered.
YOU are someone who likes to chew on ideas. You like it when someone respectfully challenges things you've always taken for granted. You might know me, you might not, but you like having intelligent conversations. You're always looking for someone who can eloquently summarize something you've felt for a long time. You like to broaden your horizons and fortify your principles. You like to do things well, and you seek wisdom (meaning living life skillfully). You may be a professional, you may spend all day with your kids and yearn for adult conversations, but you are convinced that you haven't stopped growing yet. You believe we can find the best way if we can get as many ideas into the forum as possible. You're constructive.
So why am I writing to you? Well, maybe, just maybe, writing this blog will draw like-minded people out of the woodwork, and we can enrich each other's lives. This blog already helps me learn by crystallizing thoughts that float around in my head, but I'd be even luckier if this blog helped me learn because it attracted smart people who can teach me NEW things by interacting with me and the ideas I play around with. So, I'm not looking for a job, but I know, Know KNOW that attracting constructive, smart, thoughtful people around myself will create amazing opportunities for me AND you.
So, I hope I'm describing you. And if I'm not, then perhaps I'm challenging something you've taken for granted. All readers are welcome here, of course (just no trolls). But the goal is not to be a diversion from your life. The goal is to take ideas and turn them into concrete opportunities. To make relationships and then make things happen in the REAL world. The world that happens when you turn your computer off (yes - there's an off switch).
Consider this your invitation, people, to come out of the woodwork. Let's start a conversation that turns into action. Do something to turn ideas into reality and improve your life.
Lets hear your comments. Who are you? Why do you read this? Who's YOUR target audience? Why do you read blogs/play social media/etc? What are you trying to get out of this?
____
2 Epilogue comments: 1. Though this post is about YOU, you may notice how much it's about me and who I write for. Sorry 'bout that. 2. There is another type of reader out there - the most loyal kind. They're called my family. They read it because they love me. Regardless of whether they think I'm an idiot or not. Hi guys. Feel free to print this out and magnet it to the fridge.
Have you ever had to explain something to an obstinate person? Perhaps this sounds familiar: You start with a simple premise that everyone agrees on. Then another. Then you follow those two to their natural conclusion. Then you apply that conclusion to your current situation. Somewhere between step three and four, the obstinate person just says, "no." No reason. They just refuse to accept that 4 is the sum of 2 and 2.
Insert head beating on brick wall here.
And now, a prologue.
Am I really going to be one of these? One of these people who weighs in on election issues? Ugh. But I feel compelled. I can't shut up about this one. And here's why.
(Before I get started, I've realized that I have a very roundabout way of getting to the point of a blog post - first I'll write 3 unrelated paragraphs and make half of you quit reading. Then, hopefully, I tie them all together for the long-suffering readers.)
I fall into every category of 'privilege' there is: white, male, Christian, heterosexual, corporate... rich (in the local sense not so much, but in the global sense, loaded). Nearly middle aged (hopefully I'm closer to 33% than 50%, otherwise all this exercise is for naught!). Do you hate me yet? I can keep going...
I read a blog that many Albertans read this week, written by a Wildrose Party Candidate a decade ago. It upset a lot of people. (Incidentally, if my blog disappears one day, it might be because I'm running for office. Not that I say anything inflammatory. I tend to shoot more for thoughtful). The blog has been taken down, but a gay friend of mine had the forethought to snap a picture of it before it was killed. This blog made moral issues and 'conscience rights' a major election issue in our provincial election. Now suddenly people are talking about abortion, and homosexuality, and I'm going, "Holy crap! I'm climbing into my Bel Air and driving the hell back out of the '60's!"
I think the real problem for me is that I read a blogger's post on it. Actually, the problem was the comments. Is it just me, or are blog commenters the Wal-Mart Shoppers of the internet? Not my blog's commenters, mind you - I love them all and they've all been very insightful, adding value to my blog. But truly, where do they come up with these people?
On this blog, the "Christians" (read rednecks) call the LGBTQ (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Trans-Gendered, and Queer/Questioning) sinners and freaks, and the LGBTQ crowd call the rednecks, well, rednecks. Actually bigots. On this issue, I side with LGBTQ that it's not right for some people's rights to be more inalienable than others. But that's not the point.
Here's the point: There are actually two things going on here, and people argue about the wrong one. The (far) more important issue is that, ethically speaking, EVERY human is entitled to respect and dignity. That SHOULD always remain the heart of the issue. It's hard to imagine life from a perspective other than your own, but we need to consider our doctrine carefully if it involves heaping judgement on others. That's hardly the way to convince people you're right.
Conservatives, sorry. You haven't been to heaven OR hell. So your conjecture on who ends up where is hurtful and pointless. And LGBTQ crusaders, when you call someone a bigot and say their beliefs are stupid, are you not doing to someone else exactly what you are so upset that they're doing to you? This is the second thing that's going on. This so-called moral debate is actually just an argument because we've hurt each others' feelings. And no side will ever be able to claim they're right as long as they're spewing vitriol at the other side of the argument.
We're all humans who live in this province together. It's as if we're all on the same boat, and we're taking turns swinging an axe into the hull to try and prove to the other party how serious we are. Congratulations - you were the first one to chop a hole in the bottom. Does that mean you won or lost?
The sad truth is that there are jerks on both sides of any argument. If we claim to be the most evolved species (or made in God's image, depending on which side you're on...) lets live up to that and keep it constructive.
