I don't think you're allowed to self-evaluate your integrity. I think the proof's in the pudding on that one. But I will say that's it's always been a theme word for my life. If you plant a flower in your yard, it's going to wither when it gets too hot or too cold. If you put a rock out there, it won't. It's gonna look the same whether it's a gentle spring day or a hailstorm. The rock has integrity. It stays the same regardless of the circumstances.
Steel is another thing that is said to have integrity. The less impurity, the less foreign matter in the mix, the stronger the steel - the more integrity. It's the same on the inside as it is on the outside.
Rocks. Steel. Geez. I sound like a pickup truck commercial. Also sounds boring.
So here's the challenge. What does a human who has integrity look like? My guess - they'll bring three things in line with each other: their thoughts, their words, and their behaviour.
How do I get there? Humans have this funny habit of having a perceived personality and then a blind side. So when I speak, and when I think about myself, I speak and think as though I am the person I picture myself as in my brain. However, my actions will belie the fact that I don't always measure up to the man I imagine I am.
The stronger your ideals, the larger the gap between your perceived self and your real self. That's a toughie. What's better? Having strong values, or having integrity? Is it possible that integrity actually means toning down your beliefs to something you can actually live up to? Don't get me wrong - don't go all the way to the other side and say, "If I don't keep any convictions, I don't need to feel guilt for any of my actions." That's cheating too.
You're creating a lot of stress for yourself when you're writing cheques with your conscience that your actions can't cash. I think integrity means having a realistic impression of yourself - what you can and can't do. And then not setting yourself up for failure.
So, what if I find a flaw in the steel? A crack from an inconsistency in the formula? Well, it's awfully hard to fix, isn't it? Kind of like a cavity, you'd need to drill out any weak spots, so that you are grafting in to the solid, pure, good stuff. Then you need to painstakingly layer in pure, molten filling that's made as solid as the existing stuff, or better, so that the weak spot is gone. If that's my personality that we're talking about, that means coming clean about the weakness, making the appropriate reparations, and then painstakingly correcting my behaviour by changing my habits.
Sounds hard. When I just write it out like that, I can see why it's mostly an aspiration. But when you find a person who is this way - MAN is it ever amazing. They say what they mean, they keep their promises, you know what to expect from them. They aren't dramatic. They are reliable.
Have you ever run into a football player, or a really strong person? Even though they're made of the same cellular structure as you, chances are you bounced off them like you had just charged headlong into a tree. Now picture someone who is like that mentally. That's a person with integrity. The real deal.
So, anyway, that's what I think integrity is. I'd tell you how to get there, but I don't stinking know. Just keep going, I guess.
Tuesday, 27 November 2012
Monday, 26 November 2012
I've Broken Up with Music
I'm a really clever guy.
When I'm writing about stuff 'in my ballpark'. And since this is my blog, I have the luxury of sticking to that category. So you all stay totally impressed.
Right? RIGHT?
But not today, because a weird thing happened to me the other day.
As you may have guessed by my last post, I'm experiencing stress these days. And usually, when I drive in my truck, I listen to interviews with thought leaders who talk about the things they... lead... thought... in. But when I'm stressed out, learning goes out the window. So I switched it to the radio.
And then a song came on. And I did something really uncomfortable.
I... felt...
When the song was done, I turned off the radio, and as I left the car, I felt a little cheap, like someone had just busted into my head and rearranged the furniture without my permission. I actually found myself resenting the song for making me identify with it.
Which is weird for me, because I used to play guitar and sing in church, like all the time, and music was a huge part of my life in college and high school. And now, I find myself feeling like it's for the weak.
Here's the best I can describe it: I spend a lot of time working on my mental space. Thinking positively, believing that bad luck is a golden learning opportunity, and that I can create (most of) the circumstances that will lead to my continued improvement and success as a human being.
And then that song came on the radio. And it managed to get backstage and whisper a couple haunting words to the superstar right before the big performance.
I can't figure out if this is a good thing or a bad thing. Here's why: I am a hard worker. And the way to get to the next step is not to sit back and let a song make you feel bad. It's to put your head down, and work your ass off till you hit the next smooth patch and you can let off the pedals a bit.
Don't get me wrong. This isn't a denial thing. It's a persistence and inner strength thing. I'm fully willing to acknowledge that hard stuff is hard. But feeling bad is a waste of energy, right? It is what it is, so deal with it. Right?
Yet ever since this happened on Sunday, I've been kind of haunted by it. Help me, friends.
What is music's role in this stuff? I don't want to just sit around and mope. What's to be gained from listening to a song that describes your negative state? Can music be restorative? That's a lot to ask! People pay a lot more for cognitive behavioural therapy than they do for an iTunes download for a reason.
I was totally caught off guard by my reaction to that song. I felt like it busted me feeling a way I wasn't 'supposed' to be feeling. I want to hear your take on it. Is music for the strong, or the weak? Is it an escape, or is it edifying? Of course there's good and bad. But is there a role for it in all this? Or is it a way that we let ourselves off the hook by giving our emotions some instant gratification?
Please comment below.
When I'm writing about stuff 'in my ballpark'. And since this is my blog, I have the luxury of sticking to that category. So you all stay totally impressed.
Right? RIGHT?
But not today, because a weird thing happened to me the other day.
As you may have guessed by my last post, I'm experiencing stress these days. And usually, when I drive in my truck, I listen to interviews with thought leaders who talk about the things they... lead... thought... in. But when I'm stressed out, learning goes out the window. So I switched it to the radio.
And then a song came on. And I did something really uncomfortable.
I... felt...
When the song was done, I turned off the radio, and as I left the car, I felt a little cheap, like someone had just busted into my head and rearranged the furniture without my permission. I actually found myself resenting the song for making me identify with it.
Which is weird for me, because I used to play guitar and sing in church, like all the time, and music was a huge part of my life in college and high school. And now, I find myself feeling like it's for the weak.
Here's the best I can describe it: I spend a lot of time working on my mental space. Thinking positively, believing that bad luck is a golden learning opportunity, and that I can create (most of) the circumstances that will lead to my continued improvement and success as a human being.
And then that song came on the radio. And it managed to get backstage and whisper a couple haunting words to the superstar right before the big performance.
I can't figure out if this is a good thing or a bad thing. Here's why: I am a hard worker. And the way to get to the next step is not to sit back and let a song make you feel bad. It's to put your head down, and work your ass off till you hit the next smooth patch and you can let off the pedals a bit.
Don't get me wrong. This isn't a denial thing. It's a persistence and inner strength thing. I'm fully willing to acknowledge that hard stuff is hard. But feeling bad is a waste of energy, right? It is what it is, so deal with it. Right?
Yet ever since this happened on Sunday, I've been kind of haunted by it. Help me, friends.
What is music's role in this stuff? I don't want to just sit around and mope. What's to be gained from listening to a song that describes your negative state? Can music be restorative? That's a lot to ask! People pay a lot more for cognitive behavioural therapy than they do for an iTunes download for a reason.
I was totally caught off guard by my reaction to that song. I felt like it busted me feeling a way I wasn't 'supposed' to be feeling. I want to hear your take on it. Is music for the strong, or the weak? Is it an escape, or is it edifying? Of course there's good and bad. But is there a role for it in all this? Or is it a way that we let ourselves off the hook by giving our emotions some instant gratification?
Please comment below.
Saturday, 24 November 2012
Restore Default Settings
If you think you're good at handling stress, try to solve a sudoku puzzle while someone taps their index finger on your forehead.
I heard an interview with Steve Shapiro - a speaker on innovation. (Here's a TED talk that he did that really encapsulates the way I try to approach a lot of things in life. TED talks are my way of feeling smart while not taking time to read books. Kind of like that fancy feeling you get when you walk a little extra slowly past a Ferrari). In the interview, he goes a little further into the principle that experts are at a disadvantage when it comes to creativity, because their neural passageways are so deeply developed in a particular way of thinking. Any time they're faced with the stress of a challenge, they default to their old way of solving problems.
But then, I guess you don't have to be an expert for that, do you? Isn't that what we all do? I'm usually a pretty chill guy. At the best of times, that means most stress is water off a duck's back for me. But when the shit really hits the fan, I tend to stray further down the spectrum and become downright avoidant. Some people have tendencies to speak before thinking, that they can keep in check until something stressful happens. Then they revert back to that old habit.
If you rounded a corner and came face to face with an angry tiger, your brain would short-circuit the 'logic and reason' side of your brain. It goes straight to the fight-or-flight, instinctual side. Your behaviour is much less voluntary when you have adrenalin running through the old meatloaf.
When I was in my last year of high school, a friend of mine (best friend of a number of my best friends) committed suicide. Being my avoidant self, I watched from a bit of a distance as all of my friends dealt with it in different ways. Sometimes it was vice - drinking, smoking, sexuality. Sometimes it was spirituality. Sometimes it was relational - some avoided others, some veered more to the needy, paranoid side. All my friends were (and are) wonderful people, who I wish I was in more contact with. But it was a fascinating learning experience to watch people develop coping mechanisms at that young age. And some of us are still leaning on those same coping mechanisms today.
If you've ever lost someone close to you, you know what grieving feels like. It feels like stress. You feel like you literally spilled your guts all over the pavement, and yet people are expecting you to carry on, working, interacting, being friendly. And you just feel like you have "BASKET CASE" stamped on your forehead. So when your guts are out, a little germ can become a deep seated infection. Because eventually you are able to gather them back together and tuck them back, roughly where they belong. So the decisions we make when we're under big stress or pain can be very crucial. The strongest memories are linked with emotion, so those coping mechanisms develop fast and strong.
So, when you're under stress, just keep an eye out. The first thing you'll find is that your desire for creativity diminishes. If you're a musician, a planner, a performer, a salesperson, watch your passion dwindle. Then, watch to see what you start to 'default' toward. I bet you already know. If not, I bet your best friend or spouse does - this is often the 'blind side' of our own personality, that we "on purposedentally" overlook. Do you distrust people? Is it suddenly extremely important that the boots are on the right side of the closet and the shoes on the left?
And the crazy thing about coping mechanisms? They don't have to be vices! Or better put, ANYTHING can be a vice when it's used as a coping mechanism. Exercise is great - until you're doing it obsessively, to the detriment of your relationships. Healthy eating is great, until it becomes a diet, and then an eating disorder. Blogging is great. Unless it means you're ignoring your 4 year old. Wait. Shoot.
Just kidding. He's already asleep.
Do you know what your "Default Settings" are? Hey - God Bless You if you've had a charmed enough life that you haven't had to find out, but I bet most of us have an inkling. A healthy idea might be to make yourself aware of what they are. You're going to be doing them whether you realize it or not.
Stress happens. It can't be avoided. But part of being prepared for it is recognizing your default settings, and not letting them go unchecked. Allowing those bad habits in when you're stressed is like planting a seed deep, deep in your mind. It can grow in there for a long time without you noticing, once you cover it up. But you may start to see it crop up in all sorts of odd places with time. Don't let those patterns get too ingrained. Brains are like a wagon trail - the more times you go down the same path, the harder it is to get the wheels out of the grooves if you decide you don't like it anymore.
Is it just me or do I speak in pictures?
So what's your story? How do you spot a rut in your actions? What defaults do you reset to under stress? What tips do you have to recognize them? To re-train yourself? Comment away! Thanks for reading.
I heard an interview with Steve Shapiro - a speaker on innovation. (Here's a TED talk that he did that really encapsulates the way I try to approach a lot of things in life. TED talks are my way of feeling smart while not taking time to read books. Kind of like that fancy feeling you get when you walk a little extra slowly past a Ferrari). In the interview, he goes a little further into the principle that experts are at a disadvantage when it comes to creativity, because their neural passageways are so deeply developed in a particular way of thinking. Any time they're faced with the stress of a challenge, they default to their old way of solving problems.
But then, I guess you don't have to be an expert for that, do you? Isn't that what we all do? I'm usually a pretty chill guy. At the best of times, that means most stress is water off a duck's back for me. But when the shit really hits the fan, I tend to stray further down the spectrum and become downright avoidant. Some people have tendencies to speak before thinking, that they can keep in check until something stressful happens. Then they revert back to that old habit.
If you rounded a corner and came face to face with an angry tiger, your brain would short-circuit the 'logic and reason' side of your brain. It goes straight to the fight-or-flight, instinctual side. Your behaviour is much less voluntary when you have adrenalin running through the old meatloaf.
When I was in my last year of high school, a friend of mine (best friend of a number of my best friends) committed suicide. Being my avoidant self, I watched from a bit of a distance as all of my friends dealt with it in different ways. Sometimes it was vice - drinking, smoking, sexuality. Sometimes it was spirituality. Sometimes it was relational - some avoided others, some veered more to the needy, paranoid side. All my friends were (and are) wonderful people, who I wish I was in more contact with. But it was a fascinating learning experience to watch people develop coping mechanisms at that young age. And some of us are still leaning on those same coping mechanisms today.
If you've ever lost someone close to you, you know what grieving feels like. It feels like stress. You feel like you literally spilled your guts all over the pavement, and yet people are expecting you to carry on, working, interacting, being friendly. And you just feel like you have "BASKET CASE" stamped on your forehead. So when your guts are out, a little germ can become a deep seated infection. Because eventually you are able to gather them back together and tuck them back, roughly where they belong. So the decisions we make when we're under big stress or pain can be very crucial. The strongest memories are linked with emotion, so those coping mechanisms develop fast and strong.
So, when you're under stress, just keep an eye out. The first thing you'll find is that your desire for creativity diminishes. If you're a musician, a planner, a performer, a salesperson, watch your passion dwindle. Then, watch to see what you start to 'default' toward. I bet you already know. If not, I bet your best friend or spouse does - this is often the 'blind side' of our own personality, that we "on purposedentally" overlook. Do you distrust people? Is it suddenly extremely important that the boots are on the right side of the closet and the shoes on the left?
And the crazy thing about coping mechanisms? They don't have to be vices! Or better put, ANYTHING can be a vice when it's used as a coping mechanism. Exercise is great - until you're doing it obsessively, to the detriment of your relationships. Healthy eating is great, until it becomes a diet, and then an eating disorder. Blogging is great. Unless it means you're ignoring your 4 year old. Wait. Shoot.
Just kidding. He's already asleep.
Do you know what your "Default Settings" are? Hey - God Bless You if you've had a charmed enough life that you haven't had to find out, but I bet most of us have an inkling. A healthy idea might be to make yourself aware of what they are. You're going to be doing them whether you realize it or not.
Stress happens. It can't be avoided. But part of being prepared for it is recognizing your default settings, and not letting them go unchecked. Allowing those bad habits in when you're stressed is like planting a seed deep, deep in your mind. It can grow in there for a long time without you noticing, once you cover it up. But you may start to see it crop up in all sorts of odd places with time. Don't let those patterns get too ingrained. Brains are like a wagon trail - the more times you go down the same path, the harder it is to get the wheels out of the grooves if you decide you don't like it anymore.
Is it just me or do I speak in pictures?
So what's your story? How do you spot a rut in your actions? What defaults do you reset to under stress? What tips do you have to recognize them? To re-train yourself? Comment away! Thanks for reading.
Tuesday, 13 November 2012
A better way to do business.
I'm going to apologize ahead of time if this sounds sales-y. All I can do is speak from experience, and my experience comes from where I work.
Ever get those moments of transcendence? Where you stand back and realize that something very ordinary and day-to-day that you take for granted is actually really amazing? I often get those when I say bedtime prayers with my son, and I realize that we are SO blessed to happen to be born into one of the most comfortable, prosperous places on the face of the earth. We didn't choose to be born here. We found ourselves here, and as a result, we have the opportunity to live one of the most comfortable existences in the HISTORY of HUMANKIND. Unbelievable.
On a slightly less cosmic scale, I'd like to share something really unique that I'm a part of. I just call it my job, but I happen to be part of a completely new way to do business. A better way, I daresay.
Anybody remember that documentary, The Corporation? Where they talk about how North American law gives Corporations the same rights as humans, but none of the responsibilities? And as a result, corporations act like sociopaths, but cannot be penalized or imprisoned? Who is a business accountable to? Shareholders. And shareholders tend to be pretty brash. Like, if you have a bad quarter, they dump your stock and buy Apple. Or just Apple products, depending on what your stock was worth. This results in corporations sacrificing tomorrow to turn a profit today. It's like drinking coffee instead of getting enough sleep. It works for a bit, but in the end, it's damaging.
It makes me think of carpet and paint. Because everything makes me think of carpet and paint. But also because of these 2 stories:
Imagine a company that makes a LOT of paint. Like 100,000 gallons a year. They start by making a pretty high quality product. And they charge as much for it as people are willing to pay. But out of that budget, they have to pay for a big sales staff, a TON of marketing, a complicated distribution system, and a corporate jet. And because they're already charging as much as they can, what do they do to make a little more money? Cut costs. And how tempting is it to squeeze the quality of your product? I mean, half a cent per gallon isn't much. When you multiply it by 100,000 gallons it adds up, but the paint quality doesn't suffer that much, does it? Well, no. Not the first time. But that's a dangerous game.
What if a company decided to turn that whole thing on its head? Instead of going big, they went small, and their philosophy was to put the BEST ingredients in the paint, regardless of cost. Then they killed the sales force and the distribution chains, and the 100,000 gallons of inventory. Well, not literally KILLED the sales force. Just never hired them. Then, they let companies buy into a management group, and they get to market and sell the paint themselves. Now, instead of 80% of the money going into the business and 20% going into the actual paint, those numbers flip, and almost all the money the company makes goes into putting the best ingredients into the paint. Big paint companies could never TOUCH that - too much overhead. People are only willing to pay so much for a can of paint, and they have to mark it up to pay for their bulky organization. Suddenly, the fact that it's a small paint company becomes this company's biggest strength. And they're in paint heaven, because they get to use all the geeky cutting edge paint technology everyone else says is too expensive! Read more about this company here.
Okay. Now imagine this story: Imagine if the shareholders in a corporation weren't traders and gamblers. Imagine if they had more skin in the game than just a few bucks in stock. Imagine, say, that the corporation was a flooring retail organization. And imagine that the shareholders were all owners of family-owned flooring stores throughout the world. Now, if the president of that organization had a suggestion that would cost the business money in the short term, but in 5-10 years would put it in a much better position, do you think the shareholders would be a little more receptive to the loss? That they wouldn't dump and run? No way! They'll get behind it and see it through. Because they've got a lot more invested in that result. They're not worried about the opportunity cost they're sacrificing by keeping their money there, because they've built the business with their own hands - it's directly related to their ability to succeed in business. They're ALL IN.
Here's a model that makes the whole system a lot less parasitic. Decisions are made with longer term vision, and the end result will benefit the customer, the supply chain, and the industry. I think a lot of people would agree that the system is broken. A lot of people don't realize that there are already successful alternative models out there.
Zoomed in, you might not be able to tell that we do things any different than the next guys, but this is a whole new way of doing business. And every once in a while, I zoom out to 5000 feet, and realize how lucky I am to be involved in something so unique.
So that's one of many reasons I still look forward to work almost every morning, after over 7 years on the job. There's a lot to get behind here. You should check it out.
Ever get those moments of transcendence? Where you stand back and realize that something very ordinary and day-to-day that you take for granted is actually really amazing? I often get those when I say bedtime prayers with my son, and I realize that we are SO blessed to happen to be born into one of the most comfortable, prosperous places on the face of the earth. We didn't choose to be born here. We found ourselves here, and as a result, we have the opportunity to live one of the most comfortable existences in the HISTORY of HUMANKIND. Unbelievable.
On a slightly less cosmic scale, I'd like to share something really unique that I'm a part of. I just call it my job, but I happen to be part of a completely new way to do business. A better way, I daresay.
Anybody remember that documentary, The Corporation? Where they talk about how North American law gives Corporations the same rights as humans, but none of the responsibilities? And as a result, corporations act like sociopaths, but cannot be penalized or imprisoned? Who is a business accountable to? Shareholders. And shareholders tend to be pretty brash. Like, if you have a bad quarter, they dump your stock and buy Apple. Or just Apple products, depending on what your stock was worth. This results in corporations sacrificing tomorrow to turn a profit today. It's like drinking coffee instead of getting enough sleep. It works for a bit, but in the end, it's damaging.
It makes me think of carpet and paint. Because everything makes me think of carpet and paint. But also because of these 2 stories:
Imagine a company that makes a LOT of paint. Like 100,000 gallons a year. They start by making a pretty high quality product. And they charge as much for it as people are willing to pay. But out of that budget, they have to pay for a big sales staff, a TON of marketing, a complicated distribution system, and a corporate jet. And because they're already charging as much as they can, what do they do to make a little more money? Cut costs. And how tempting is it to squeeze the quality of your product? I mean, half a cent per gallon isn't much. When you multiply it by 100,000 gallons it adds up, but the paint quality doesn't suffer that much, does it? Well, no. Not the first time. But that's a dangerous game.
What if a company decided to turn that whole thing on its head? Instead of going big, they went small, and their philosophy was to put the BEST ingredients in the paint, regardless of cost. Then they killed the sales force and the distribution chains, and the 100,000 gallons of inventory. Well, not literally KILLED the sales force. Just never hired them. Then, they let companies buy into a management group, and they get to market and sell the paint themselves. Now, instead of 80% of the money going into the business and 20% going into the actual paint, those numbers flip, and almost all the money the company makes goes into putting the best ingredients into the paint. Big paint companies could never TOUCH that - too much overhead. People are only willing to pay so much for a can of paint, and they have to mark it up to pay for their bulky organization. Suddenly, the fact that it's a small paint company becomes this company's biggest strength. And they're in paint heaven, because they get to use all the geeky cutting edge paint technology everyone else says is too expensive! Read more about this company here.
Okay. Now imagine this story: Imagine if the shareholders in a corporation weren't traders and gamblers. Imagine if they had more skin in the game than just a few bucks in stock. Imagine, say, that the corporation was a flooring retail organization. And imagine that the shareholders were all owners of family-owned flooring stores throughout the world. Now, if the president of that organization had a suggestion that would cost the business money in the short term, but in 5-10 years would put it in a much better position, do you think the shareholders would be a little more receptive to the loss? That they wouldn't dump and run? No way! They'll get behind it and see it through. Because they've got a lot more invested in that result. They're not worried about the opportunity cost they're sacrificing by keeping their money there, because they've built the business with their own hands - it's directly related to their ability to succeed in business. They're ALL IN.
Here's a model that makes the whole system a lot less parasitic. Decisions are made with longer term vision, and the end result will benefit the customer, the supply chain, and the industry. I think a lot of people would agree that the system is broken. A lot of people don't realize that there are already successful alternative models out there.
Zoomed in, you might not be able to tell that we do things any different than the next guys, but this is a whole new way of doing business. And every once in a while, I zoom out to 5000 feet, and realize how lucky I am to be involved in something so unique.
So that's one of many reasons I still look forward to work almost every morning, after over 7 years on the job. There's a lot to get behind here. You should check it out.
Sunday, 4 November 2012
Aaaaand, ACTION!
I had a great conversation with an old friend tonight. We talked about making the time to identify priorities in your life. That's a great idea. If you haven't already, you should do that. Like, now.
Once you know what you're good at, what you feel called to do, and what gets you fired up, and you've listed them by priority, you will be ahead of a solid 50% of the population. So congratulations. If you're reading this to gain some value, throw that in the fanny pack and mosey on. Because I might just talk about myself for the rest of the post. And I'm going to justify it by venturing a guess that I'm not the only one who sucks at what I'm gonna talk about.
I've been talking with my wife a lot for the last 6 months or so about a project I've been thinking of taking on. The other day I was telling her my brilliant idea, and she asked me if I had spoken to anyone who could actually make it happen (ie. a financier, or someone such as). Kinda stopped me in my tracks. See, in my head, there's, like, a LOT of groundwork to be done before you make that step. But in reality, THAT step is the difference between whether you're DOING a project, or whether it's just a pipe dream. And to be honest, almost all of my projects die before they ever exit my mental preparation stage. My mental cutting room floor is like a barbershop of horrors for genius ideas.
Meanwhile, at home, we had a great weekend. No major plans - but after a busy week, Silas and I got to spend 2 solid days together. So what did we do? Well, I don't really know. Okay I kind of know. I took Silas to places while I half-assedly (yup I just worded that) interacted with him while giving the rest of my attention to facebook, twitter, and screens in general. Screen-sucking, apparently, is the upcoming term for this. I was that dad who was there, but wasn't really there. And I did it to Caryn too. Fortunately, she's perceptive (and sensitive, and bold) enough to call me out on it.
Anyone remember the post I did a while ago, where I used the quote, "It doesn't matter if you save the whole world, if the people that matter the most to you think the least of you." I think that's actually a medley of quotes from John Maxwell and Rabbi Schmuley...
Here's my point:
You can live a failure of a life regardless of how great your philosophies are, if you forget to PLUG YOUR BRAIN IN TO THE REST OF YOUR BODY!!!
Go ahead and have big ideas. They don't make you wise, or even smart. Because if you don't act on them, they are dead. I can tell people that Caryn and Silas are the most important things in my life till I'm blue in the face. Would I jump in front of a car for them? Philosophically, yes. But here's where I'm going to challenge you (and me): if I can't even fold down my stinking laptop screen when they address me, how exactly do I think I'm going to magically have what it takes if, by some random chance, I actually do have to make a snap decision to sacrifice myself for my family? Also, what does it matter if I do, at that point? If I've ignored my family my whole life, the most that will result out of me jumping in front of a bus for them is that they MIGHT forgive me.
So here's my challenge: I've been challenging myself, when I have a clever idea, to DO something about it immediately. Something that exists outside my own brain: send an e-mail, call someone, make an appointment, submit a proposal - ANYTHING. Speak that idea into reality. Once that idea is out there, you can't kill it on the cutting room floor. If you really thought it was so smart, here's your chance to find out. It doesn't take much to get the ball rolling.
And when it comes to my family - there's the idea of being a good dad, and then there's the action of being a good dad. Guess what? If I spend 24 hours with Silas, and ignore him for 20 of them, our relationship isn't strengthening. Quite the opposite, in fact. Perhaps I need to exchange my romantic idea of what 'sacrificing for my family' is for a practical idea. Like turning of my damn phone and looking at them when they talk to me! Chances are that's going to happen a lot more than me having to jump in front of a bus for them.
I used to think that wisdom meant that I would have lots of amazing thoughts floating around inside my head, and that, as I share those thoughts, people might start to line up and seek out my sagely advice. I'm starting to realize that true wisdom is evidenced by a skillfully lived life. Wise people have great ideas, just like we all do. But what makes them wise is that they implement them. And their lives reap the benefits.
Once you know what you're good at, what you feel called to do, and what gets you fired up, and you've listed them by priority, you will be ahead of a solid 50% of the population. So congratulations. If you're reading this to gain some value, throw that in the fanny pack and mosey on. Because I might just talk about myself for the rest of the post. And I'm going to justify it by venturing a guess that I'm not the only one who sucks at what I'm gonna talk about.
I've been talking with my wife a lot for the last 6 months or so about a project I've been thinking of taking on. The other day I was telling her my brilliant idea, and she asked me if I had spoken to anyone who could actually make it happen (ie. a financier, or someone such as). Kinda stopped me in my tracks. See, in my head, there's, like, a LOT of groundwork to be done before you make that step. But in reality, THAT step is the difference between whether you're DOING a project, or whether it's just a pipe dream. And to be honest, almost all of my projects die before they ever exit my mental preparation stage. My mental cutting room floor is like a barbershop of horrors for genius ideas.
Meanwhile, at home, we had a great weekend. No major plans - but after a busy week, Silas and I got to spend 2 solid days together. So what did we do? Well, I don't really know. Okay I kind of know. I took Silas to places while I half-assedly (yup I just worded that) interacted with him while giving the rest of my attention to facebook, twitter, and screens in general. Screen-sucking, apparently, is the upcoming term for this. I was that dad who was there, but wasn't really there. And I did it to Caryn too. Fortunately, she's perceptive (and sensitive, and bold) enough to call me out on it.
Anyone remember the post I did a while ago, where I used the quote, "It doesn't matter if you save the whole world, if the people that matter the most to you think the least of you." I think that's actually a medley of quotes from John Maxwell and Rabbi Schmuley...
Here's my point:
You can live a failure of a life regardless of how great your philosophies are, if you forget to PLUG YOUR BRAIN IN TO THE REST OF YOUR BODY!!!
Go ahead and have big ideas. They don't make you wise, or even smart. Because if you don't act on them, they are dead. I can tell people that Caryn and Silas are the most important things in my life till I'm blue in the face. Would I jump in front of a car for them? Philosophically, yes. But here's where I'm going to challenge you (and me): if I can't even fold down my stinking laptop screen when they address me, how exactly do I think I'm going to magically have what it takes if, by some random chance, I actually do have to make a snap decision to sacrifice myself for my family? Also, what does it matter if I do, at that point? If I've ignored my family my whole life, the most that will result out of me jumping in front of a bus for them is that they MIGHT forgive me.
So here's my challenge: I've been challenging myself, when I have a clever idea, to DO something about it immediately. Something that exists outside my own brain: send an e-mail, call someone, make an appointment, submit a proposal - ANYTHING. Speak that idea into reality. Once that idea is out there, you can't kill it on the cutting room floor. If you really thought it was so smart, here's your chance to find out. It doesn't take much to get the ball rolling.
And when it comes to my family - there's the idea of being a good dad, and then there's the action of being a good dad. Guess what? If I spend 24 hours with Silas, and ignore him for 20 of them, our relationship isn't strengthening. Quite the opposite, in fact. Perhaps I need to exchange my romantic idea of what 'sacrificing for my family' is for a practical idea. Like turning of my damn phone and looking at them when they talk to me! Chances are that's going to happen a lot more than me having to jump in front of a bus for them.
I used to think that wisdom meant that I would have lots of amazing thoughts floating around inside my head, and that, as I share those thoughts, people might start to line up and seek out my sagely advice. I'm starting to realize that true wisdom is evidenced by a skillfully lived life. Wise people have great ideas, just like we all do. But what makes them wise is that they implement them. And their lives reap the benefits.
Wednesday, 15 August 2012
OF COURSE someone like me would say this!
Does this bug anyone else? Have you ever had that feeling like someone thinks they 'get' you? Maybe they do, and maybe they don't; but the point is that, if you're like me, you don't WANT them to!
You don't have to read far into my blog to learn that I have a love/hate relationship with personality tests. I have a real aversion to the idea that a) a 10 minute quiz will reveal deep inner secrets I otherwise would never have known about myself, and b) I, along with all other humans, can be lumped into one of four easy categories. Kierkegaard said, "Once you label me, you negate me." (don't be impressed - I learned it from watching Wayne's World - about 1:50 in)
I am complex and mysterious, dammit! You can't pigeonhole me!
On the flip side of that coin, there is the argument that's most succinctly put by those clever ancient Greeks: "KNOW THYSELF". The value of these quizzes and evaluations is that, in the best case scenario, they can shine a light on some of the motivations or reasons for our often confusing reactions to stimuli. Your brother gets a new promotion and you get jealous instead of happy. You stand up for yourself and feel guilty instead of empowered. Good heavens, humans and their silly reactions and motivations. If the tests help, let's mandate them for all of us! A little self actualization would do us good!
So, in summary, I guess: I want to know myself, but I don't want you to know me. Or at least, I want to be the FIRST one to figure myself out.
Anyway, I'll get off my hobby horse. Here's the point: there is a danger here that we can forgive (ignore) people for anything if it's just their pesky personality getting in the way.
Remember when I was talking about getting yelled at (I'm this self referential only because I don't read enough)? Well, imagine that you exited getting chewed out thinking, "Well, I know that person has a commanding, task oriented personality and only considers the cost to relationships after the damage has been done", then proceeded to write off the whole experience because "that's just the way they are, and they're just having an emotional reaction to the whole thing." That'd be great! Because that would mean you don't have to change any behaviour! The deficiency all lies in that other person's personality.
This is something that happens to emotional people all the time. Imagine being this person: You don't like confrontation - it's your worst nightmare. Harmony is what you always work toward. However, some issue has gone on long enough, and it's time to confront the aggressor. You are so nervous and out of your comfort zone that you start to cry. Then, the person you are confronting starts to COMFORT you and tell you not to worry about it. THEY ARE PLACATING YOU! Just because you were crying did not mean that you had legitimate concerns that had to be dealt with! Personalities be damned!
If you're in customer service, I bet you do this too:
When I have a difficult phone call with a customer at work, it is much easier for my ego if I jump to the conclusion that the difficult person is also a crazy person. If they are irrational, then I don't have to deal with the fact that I may have actually failed to deliver what I promised to.
But what if it's my wife, who may be overtired, but is ALSO really upset that I sat on my butt all night while she cleaned dishes, changed laundry, and fed, bathed, and tucked in the boy? It's easy for me to write off the anger because she's overtired. AND, conveniently, if I let myself off the hook for those jobs, she will probably ALWAYS be overtired by the time she has a moment to confront me about it!
There is no english language. I say this because we all use the same words, but few of us ever understand each other. KNOW THYSELF, so that you know what language you speak. And learn about the personality types of those who are close to you, so you can learn what language they speak, too. That way, you can take the words they say, and translate them into your own language. Everyone speaks in code. You risk misinterpreting people if you fail to comprehend that. Not every message comes across exactly as it's intended.
Don't make the mistake of writing people off just because "that's just them, being them." Believe it or not, everyone has a reality just like yours, and they believe as much as you do that what they say is important, even if that's hard for you to incorporate into your perception.
You don't have to read far into my blog to learn that I have a love/hate relationship with personality tests. I have a real aversion to the idea that a) a 10 minute quiz will reveal deep inner secrets I otherwise would never have known about myself, and b) I, along with all other humans, can be lumped into one of four easy categories. Kierkegaard said, "Once you label me, you negate me." (don't be impressed - I learned it from watching Wayne's World - about 1:50 in)
On the flip side of that coin, there is the argument that's most succinctly put by those clever ancient Greeks: "KNOW THYSELF". The value of these quizzes and evaluations is that, in the best case scenario, they can shine a light on some of the motivations or reasons for our often confusing reactions to stimuli. Your brother gets a new promotion and you get jealous instead of happy. You stand up for yourself and feel guilty instead of empowered. Good heavens, humans and their silly reactions and motivations. If the tests help, let's mandate them for all of us! A little self actualization would do us good!
So, in summary, I guess: I want to know myself, but I don't want you to know me. Or at least, I want to be the FIRST one to figure myself out.
Anyway, I'll get off my hobby horse. Here's the point: there is a danger here that we can forgive (ignore) people for anything if it's just their pesky personality getting in the way.
Remember when I was talking about getting yelled at (I'm this self referential only because I don't read enough)? Well, imagine that you exited getting chewed out thinking, "Well, I know that person has a commanding, task oriented personality and only considers the cost to relationships after the damage has been done", then proceeded to write off the whole experience because "that's just the way they are, and they're just having an emotional reaction to the whole thing." That'd be great! Because that would mean you don't have to change any behaviour! The deficiency all lies in that other person's personality.
This is something that happens to emotional people all the time. Imagine being this person: You don't like confrontation - it's your worst nightmare. Harmony is what you always work toward. However, some issue has gone on long enough, and it's time to confront the aggressor. You are so nervous and out of your comfort zone that you start to cry. Then, the person you are confronting starts to COMFORT you and tell you not to worry about it. THEY ARE PLACATING YOU! Just because you were crying did not mean that you had legitimate concerns that had to be dealt with! Personalities be damned!
If you're in customer service, I bet you do this too:
When I have a difficult phone call with a customer at work, it is much easier for my ego if I jump to the conclusion that the difficult person is also a crazy person. If they are irrational, then I don't have to deal with the fact that I may have actually failed to deliver what I promised to.
But what if it's my wife, who may be overtired, but is ALSO really upset that I sat on my butt all night while she cleaned dishes, changed laundry, and fed, bathed, and tucked in the boy? It's easy for me to write off the anger because she's overtired. AND, conveniently, if I let myself off the hook for those jobs, she will probably ALWAYS be overtired by the time she has a moment to confront me about it!
There is no english language. I say this because we all use the same words, but few of us ever understand each other. KNOW THYSELF, so that you know what language you speak. And learn about the personality types of those who are close to you, so you can learn what language they speak, too. That way, you can take the words they say, and translate them into your own language. Everyone speaks in code. You risk misinterpreting people if you fail to comprehend that. Not every message comes across exactly as it's intended.
Friday, 10 August 2012
How did this get to be about fish?
Ever had to come to terms with the fact that, no matter how hard you try, you will just never have some certain quality that you wish you possessed?
My life seems to have themes. Either that or I don't have a lot of original thoughts and my blog posts get more redundant with each new one I heap on. It's probably a combination of both those things, but that's okay, because one day I'll write a book that assimilates all these posts, and all the repeated thoughts will give it cohesion. Or maybe they will make the book circular and excruciating. Stop judging my book. I haven't even written it yet.
One of the themes is this: your greatest strength is also your greatest weakness (remember that blog post?). The same DNA that makes me great at building relationships makes me lousy at being assertive, for fear of hurting someone's feelings. The inclination to explore ideas also expresses itself as a dis-inclination to turn those ideas into actions. I bet this is the same for you. Are you task oriented? I bet you can't figure out how to avoid upsetting those people who get in the way of completing those tasks. Are you extremely analytical? I bet you hate how unimaginative you are.
I've had a couple interesting interactions lately that have hit me in the feelers. Both of them, in very different ways, suggested to me that 'execution' is something I am not good at.
I have a list of 99 amazing ways to get from the little bowl to the big one. Ask me about them. I'd love to tell you. But, my two co-conversants reminded me, with varying levels of gentleness, guess which bowl I am still in?
These conversations have left me feeling like a round peg in a square hole. It is precisely the lack of skill in execution that makes me believe it is the golden key to all the success in life. I bet all my executioner friends feel the same way about getting along with people (at least, I hope). In keeping with the fish theme, I feel like this:
Ever heard the saying, "Those who can't do, teach"? It always made me laugh, because teachers are easy to hate (okay, that word's too strong. Let's go with resent.), with their cushy union jobs and their 2 months of paid vacation. But today I saw another side of this joke.
I bet the inverse is true too: Those who can't teach, do. By that I mean, a lot of the most results oriented people out there are so busy getting tasks done that they are lousy teachers, and they tend to piss people off, because getting the stuff done is more important to them than the people involved. So, who's left to teach people how to do things? The non-executors.
I wonder how many books on Takin Care Of Business have been written by people who are great theorists, but don't actually accomplish much. I mean, what results-oriented person has time to stop gettin shit done long enough to write about it? Wouldn't that feel like a colossal waste of time for them?
Anyway, those are my ponderings. Fish, get off your bicycles. Ignore the Lance Armstrongs and their judgy-judginess. They aren't fish, and I bet you'd KILL them in a breath holding competition. Go swim.
My life seems to have themes. Either that or I don't have a lot of original thoughts and my blog posts get more redundant with each new one I heap on. It's probably a combination of both those things, but that's okay, because one day I'll write a book that assimilates all these posts, and all the repeated thoughts will give it cohesion. Or maybe they will make the book circular and excruciating. Stop judging my book. I haven't even written it yet.
One of the themes is this: your greatest strength is also your greatest weakness (remember that blog post?). The same DNA that makes me great at building relationships makes me lousy at being assertive, for fear of hurting someone's feelings. The inclination to explore ideas also expresses itself as a dis-inclination to turn those ideas into actions. I bet this is the same for you. Are you task oriented? I bet you can't figure out how to avoid upsetting those people who get in the way of completing those tasks. Are you extremely analytical? I bet you hate how unimaginative you are.
I've had a couple interesting interactions lately that have hit me in the feelers. Both of them, in very different ways, suggested to me that 'execution' is something I am not good at.
These conversations have left me feeling like a round peg in a square hole. It is precisely the lack of skill in execution that makes me believe it is the golden key to all the success in life. I bet all my executioner friends feel the same way about getting along with people (at least, I hope). In keeping with the fish theme, I feel like this:
I bet the inverse is true too: Those who can't teach, do. By that I mean, a lot of the most results oriented people out there are so busy getting tasks done that they are lousy teachers, and they tend to piss people off, because getting the stuff done is more important to them than the people involved. So, who's left to teach people how to do things? The non-executors.
I wonder how many books on Takin Care Of Business have been written by people who are great theorists, but don't actually accomplish much. I mean, what results-oriented person has time to stop gettin shit done long enough to write about it? Wouldn't that feel like a colossal waste of time for them?
Anyway, those are my ponderings. Fish, get off your bicycles. Ignore the Lance Armstrongs and their judgy-judginess. They aren't fish, and I bet you'd KILL them in a breath holding competition. Go swim.
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